We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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