My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
