smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Randomize
