I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize