The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
