I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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