i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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