Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's always time for handjobs
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
