I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
