what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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