You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
