it was like his penis was on wheels.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
