The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
