Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
