dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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