when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
