Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You ruined the universe
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
