i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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