is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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