Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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