I love watching others lives come down to our level.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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