I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
