was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
