She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
