i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
