Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize