i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
