I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
