I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
