I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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