He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
