I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
