The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i drank out of a bidet.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
