shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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