you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
