You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
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My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
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I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize