I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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