Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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