Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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