god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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