She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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