Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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