The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
