Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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