Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
