apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
