She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I checked into jail on foursquare
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
