Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
