So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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