U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
