Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
