awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
