Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Im part way to drunk.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
