How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
