If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
