Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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