Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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