I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
