That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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