Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
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