2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
