I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
