'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
