I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
