I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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