I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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