Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
