Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
