I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
