Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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